So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
