Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
