i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
