he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
