Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
