fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
