apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
