Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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