Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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