and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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