you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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