At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
ugly people sure do ruin things
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
