I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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