From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
