I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
