News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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