After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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