Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
