wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
