Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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