oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
