my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
