He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
