I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
