You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
two words...techno handjob
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
