I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Im part way to drunk.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
