i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
