Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
