she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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