I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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