She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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