i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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