i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
