kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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