so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
