A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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