onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
