I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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