I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
