never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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