I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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