hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
