I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Are we still banned from the library?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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