Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
