I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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