the new term for farting is butt boxing.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
