I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
