if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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