True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
