Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
