i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
