I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Come see our sink grown plant.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize