Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
