honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
