I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
