we're chasing vodka with high fives
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
