no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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