I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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