dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
